Friday, April 1, 2011
The Never-Ending Guilt of the Working Mom
Today, I came home for a quick lunch and to drop off some groceries since the cupboards were barren. I was only home about 15 minutes to put the groceries away, say Hi to Lewis and JB, and to grab some lunch to take back with me. Usually, Lewis just cheerfully tells me goodbye, and I leave without feeling too bad. However, today he just cried and seemed miserable when it was time for me to leave. As I was pulling out of the driveway, I saw a sad little face pressed up against the front window, waving forlornly, and crying as I drove away. Talk about feeling like a terrible Mom! I felt like crying myself. Also, last night I took a rare evening away from home to go to a Relief Society function at church. I almost always skip activities in the evening since I feel guilty leaving Lewis after being away from him all day. However, I really wanted to go to this, so JB agreed to put Lewis to bed that evening. As I was sitting and eating dinner at the event, I realized that out of all the women there, I was only one of TWO mothers who worked. Everyone else was a stay-at-home mom and were probably so glad to get an evening away from the kids. But everytime I do something fun or for myself, I feel so GUILTY since I am gone all day. I also feel guilty over leaving a cranky, fussy toddler in the morning since I feel like it is my duty to watch him when he is in a bad mood. I feel guilty for looking forward to my time in the evening after he goes to bed. In summary, I feel guilty all the time. I know it is important to take time for myself and do things I enjoy, but oftentimes I feel that is a luxury I can't afford right now. I hope that as my children get older and more involved in their own activities, I will feel less guilty about leaving them to do things that I enjoy, like running, reading, etc. Until then, I will probably always be feeling the need to rush home in the evening so they get to see their Mommy for a couple of hours before bedtime.
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2 comments:
I'm sorry about the guilt, Sandy. Your little boy sure loves you, doesn't he:)? The fact that you feel guilty all the time may mean you should evaluate how things are going--is there a way to be home more with Lewis and still keep your job? Is there a way to work part-time and see if that works for your family--then go back to working full time if that is best (if you're working full time?)?
I'm learning for myself that I don't love teaching 2 classes of Advanced Writing. I'd rather teach one, because I feel like I have to sacrifice too much time during grading weeks--away from my spouse--using the limited non-kid time I have to grade papers. And I'm kind of a procrastinator, so I rebel sometimes and read a book during nap time instead of grading:). I'm always striving for balance, and it's obviously harder with more on my plate.
And I'm glad you went to a Relief Society activity. You're right that your priorities are different at night (than for stay-at-home moms) because you want to spend your free time with your little family--but it is VERY good for you build friendships and bond with other daughters of God:).
You know what? I'm learning no matter what choices I make, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for using my mom-in-law so much as a sitter for me to grade and clean, etc. I feel guilty not going to every play group and fun thing with James. I feel guilty for working part-time, but now that it's coming to an end for a while, I feel guilty I'm not bringing in money. In the end, do what you feel is right, and what you feel is best for your family AND for YOU.
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