It was only the start of summer vacation and things were going badly, very badly. The boys had started their summer break already sick of each other's company and were arguing non-stop. JB was overwhelmed with job stresses, and my dad was in the process of being diagnosed with lung cancer.
We were desperate. Usually we have a very strict no-electronic games policy in our house, but summer break had conveniently started right when we least wanted it to. Besides, it was summer break, and the boys should enjoy a few forbidden pleasures that were normally off-limits during the school year, right? I was hesitant, since the last time we had allowed video games it hadn't ended very well. But I was not the parent at home with two rowdy boys who was trying to work. So after much discussion and endless promises from the boys that they were going to be "good", JB put the games back on the Kindle and let the boys have at it.
I'm not going to lie--the first few days were heavenly. Insta-babysitter! Hours went by and we didn't hear a peep from the boys. Of course, we tried to set "limits", but who were we kidding ourselves? It was so much easier to let them play on their devices then try to come up with activities for two (super) energetic boys that would rather be in a huge wrestling match all day. June came and went, and the tension in our lives increased. I was running my dad to several appointments and tests, and the stress in our family was reaching a maximum. Our boys continued to eat, sleep, and breathe video games. At the start of July, things had quieted down a bit, and JB thought it was time to set limits on the games. Again, this seemed like the answer. After an hour, the Kindles would immediately shut off and there would be no arguments. Easy, right? Instead, we found that their desire to play only increased. The boys would wait all day, passing the time, so that they could get on their Kindles. They seemed to be at odds with themselves and with each other. They would only think of what they could do once they got their hands on their games.
One day in early July, I received a message from JB that said "Video games are destroying our family" and that we were going to have a family council about it the next day. Family councils are when we allow each member of our family to express their opinions on a certain topic before we vote on it and come to a consensus. Before bed that evening, I asked the boys how they would vote, and that I already suspected I knew the answer.
Lewis surprised me with his answer. He told me that when he played video games, everything else seemed much less interesting. It was harder to play outside or do other activities he normally enjoyed. The next day we held our council. I had expected so much push-back from the boys, but they readily agreed with removing the games. Simon repeated that it was destroying our family. The vote was 4-0. At the same time, I passed out slips of paper to everyone and had them write down what they needed from other members in the family. Both boys presented the same answer. They wanted attention and time spent together as a family.
It has been several weeks since we reinstated our family policy, and already I see the changes in my boys. Their interests in other things have returned, and they are playing outside with other boys in the neighborhood. They are drawing again. The Lego room is back in use. They have learned to entertain themselves once again.
I'm not saying what we did as a family is what everyone else should do. Other kids may be different and not become as addicted to video games as our boys became. But when I look at other boys in airports, restaurants, and other public places, I too often see boys with their eyes glued to a screen or completely non-communicative with headphones on.
In this day and age, it has become all about "girl power". We encourage our girls to run a 5k, become a scientist, and teach them they can become anything we want. However, at the same time, we have neglected our boys and think that if we can just plug them into a screen, they will be happy. Our boys need the same encouragement! Instead, they have become overlooked as they retreat more and more into a digital world.
I am not the perfect parent, and I mess up more times than I care to count. However, there is one thing I will be proud that I did as their mother. When my boys look back at their childhood, I know that they will remember more than just a virtual world. They will remember real-life experiences and people. Right now, they understand that they are different than the other kids at school and have no clue what Roblox or Fortnite is about, and they are OK with it. However, as they become older and seek more acceptance from their peers, they might start resenting our rules. My hope is that as we become more aware of the addictive properties of screen time, other parents will join me and encourage their sons to put away the tablets, smart phones, and laptops. The time to start is now before we lose our bright and beautiful boys.
Sunday, August 5, 2018
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Why I Will Never Say "You Must Be So Happy" to a New Mom
I was reading today about an actress who went public with her decision to enter treatment for post-partum depression, and it really struck a chord with me. I often think about the period after Lewis was born as the darkest time of my life, but I've never really written about it.
I've always struggled with anxiety and panic attacks. For years, I tried mental exercises with varying degrees of success, but the underlying anxiety was always there. In graduate school, I finally decided to seek professional help and I started taking Prozac. Prozac helped temper the anxiety, and I felt like I could finally live a "normal life".
After JB and I got married in 2002, the thought of having children filled me with anxiety. However, by the time I turned 32 in November 2007, I knew that we needed to make a decision on whether we should have children or not, because my biological clock had started ticking. I quickly got pregnant in February 2008.
During my pregnancy, I read a lot of articles about anti-depressants and the effects it could have on the fetus. I thought I could manage my anxiety on my own and went off Prozac a few months before my due date. As the end of my pregnancy approached though, things started to feel off. I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I couldn't breathe, and I would start to panic. With each passing day, I would grow more and more anxious about the delivery and taking care of a newborn. I was terrified. Finally, a couple of days before I went into labor, I told my midwife the symptoms I was having, and she had me start on a small dose of Zoloft.
On Saturday, November 15th, I went into labor. It was a relatively easy labor and birth, especially with an epidural. I went into the hospital with it feeling like summer, and overnight, it turned into winter. The anxiety started early. Those first two nights in the hospital I couldn't sleep at all, getting only one or two hours a night. I was consumed with anxiety about falling asleep and worried about Lewis waking up needing to eat as soon as I fell asleep. I confided some of my feelings to the nurses, and they assured me I was feeling normal.
Things did not improve when I went home. The overwhelming feelings of anxiety consumed every waking minute, and I found no respite from sleep. I was awake all the time. Lewis had a rough first night at home crying all night. I didn't think I would be able to handle it. On top of that, I developed a sinus infection and pink eye.
My appetite was gone, and I couldn't manage to keep any food down. Since I was breastfeeding, JB tried to encourage me to eat. He went to the grocery store and bought all the foods that he thought would tempt me to eat. Pillsbury cinnamon rolls, Pop Tarts....I didn't want to eat any of it, and the thought of food revolted me.
My problems with insomnia continued, and I only was getting about three to four hours of sleep a night, despite Lewis sleeping for three hour stretches. This triggered a new fear in me. I became terrified that I would develop post-partum psychosis and harm the baby in my sleep-deprived state. I couldn't seek help for this. What if they took Lewis away from us and put him in foster care? I was alone. I confided my feelings to JB and my mom, and while it helped some, it didn't diminish the fear. I didn't trust my hands, and I wouldn't let JB leave me alone with Lewis. I am grateful to this day for a kind and understanding graduate advisor that let JB take off extended time to be with me. One morning I woke up with this overwhelming sensation that I had left Lewis in my bed and that he was under the covers, suffocating. I frantically threw the covers off saying that I could feel his body in the bed, while JB tried to tell me he was safe in his crib.
I also took no interest in Lewis, since I was overwhelmed with my own grief and anxiety. JB would bring him in to me, and I would look away. I fed him, changed his diaper, and put him to bed, but I had no other interest in him. Well-meaning friends wrote me and said how overjoyed I must be, not knowing the hell I was currently going through.
Slowly, the Zoloft started working. I had fleeting moments of calm, often in the evening when I knew that I had survived another day. I clearly remember the first moment I felt joy in having a baby. It was around Christmas, and JB was photographing a wedding that evening. I had put on the movie "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers". I picked up Lewis and started singing that terrible song, "Bless Her Beautiful Hide", and I felt my first moment of connection with Lewis as I sang to him.
It took a lot of courage to agree to a second pregnancy, but I didn't want Lewis to be an only sibling. With Simon, I stayed on the Zoloft through my delivery. It was a totally different experience. I still had moments of feeling overwhelmed and anxious, but I could manage. I feel guilty that Lewis had to experience the absence of his mother the first two months of his life, but he has turned out to be a wonderful, smart, caring little boy. I find joy and happiness in my two children every day, and I couldn't imagine my life without them. In the end, it was more than worth it.
I've always struggled with anxiety and panic attacks. For years, I tried mental exercises with varying degrees of success, but the underlying anxiety was always there. In graduate school, I finally decided to seek professional help and I started taking Prozac. Prozac helped temper the anxiety, and I felt like I could finally live a "normal life".
After JB and I got married in 2002, the thought of having children filled me with anxiety. However, by the time I turned 32 in November 2007, I knew that we needed to make a decision on whether we should have children or not, because my biological clock had started ticking. I quickly got pregnant in February 2008.
During my pregnancy, I read a lot of articles about anti-depressants and the effects it could have on the fetus. I thought I could manage my anxiety on my own and went off Prozac a few months before my due date. As the end of my pregnancy approached though, things started to feel off. I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I couldn't breathe, and I would start to panic. With each passing day, I would grow more and more anxious about the delivery and taking care of a newborn. I was terrified. Finally, a couple of days before I went into labor, I told my midwife the symptoms I was having, and she had me start on a small dose of Zoloft.
On Saturday, November 15th, I went into labor. It was a relatively easy labor and birth, especially with an epidural. I went into the hospital with it feeling like summer, and overnight, it turned into winter. The anxiety started early. Those first two nights in the hospital I couldn't sleep at all, getting only one or two hours a night. I was consumed with anxiety about falling asleep and worried about Lewis waking up needing to eat as soon as I fell asleep. I confided some of my feelings to the nurses, and they assured me I was feeling normal.
Things did not improve when I went home. The overwhelming feelings of anxiety consumed every waking minute, and I found no respite from sleep. I was awake all the time. Lewis had a rough first night at home crying all night. I didn't think I would be able to handle it. On top of that, I developed a sinus infection and pink eye.
My appetite was gone, and I couldn't manage to keep any food down. Since I was breastfeeding, JB tried to encourage me to eat. He went to the grocery store and bought all the foods that he thought would tempt me to eat. Pillsbury cinnamon rolls, Pop Tarts....I didn't want to eat any of it, and the thought of food revolted me.
My problems with insomnia continued, and I only was getting about three to four hours of sleep a night, despite Lewis sleeping for three hour stretches. This triggered a new fear in me. I became terrified that I would develop post-partum psychosis and harm the baby in my sleep-deprived state. I couldn't seek help for this. What if they took Lewis away from us and put him in foster care? I was alone. I confided my feelings to JB and my mom, and while it helped some, it didn't diminish the fear. I didn't trust my hands, and I wouldn't let JB leave me alone with Lewis. I am grateful to this day for a kind and understanding graduate advisor that let JB take off extended time to be with me. One morning I woke up with this overwhelming sensation that I had left Lewis in my bed and that he was under the covers, suffocating. I frantically threw the covers off saying that I could feel his body in the bed, while JB tried to tell me he was safe in his crib.
I also took no interest in Lewis, since I was overwhelmed with my own grief and anxiety. JB would bring him in to me, and I would look away. I fed him, changed his diaper, and put him to bed, but I had no other interest in him. Well-meaning friends wrote me and said how overjoyed I must be, not knowing the hell I was currently going through.
Slowly, the Zoloft started working. I had fleeting moments of calm, often in the evening when I knew that I had survived another day. I clearly remember the first moment I felt joy in having a baby. It was around Christmas, and JB was photographing a wedding that evening. I had put on the movie "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers". I picked up Lewis and started singing that terrible song, "Bless Her Beautiful Hide", and I felt my first moment of connection with Lewis as I sang to him.
It took a lot of courage to agree to a second pregnancy, but I didn't want Lewis to be an only sibling. With Simon, I stayed on the Zoloft through my delivery. It was a totally different experience. I still had moments of feeling overwhelmed and anxious, but I could manage. I feel guilty that Lewis had to experience the absence of his mother the first two months of his life, but he has turned out to be a wonderful, smart, caring little boy. I find joy and happiness in my two children every day, and I couldn't imagine my life without them. In the end, it was more than worth it.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Disney World 2014
Nothing like four months passing before I post anything about our trip to Disney World in May. :)
Since JB has limited time off, I took the boys down to visit my sister in Florida for a few days. The trip initially did not get off to a good start. My sister and nieces were at school, and my boys spent the first day in Florida....bickering and arguing non-stop. This all changed when the cousins arrived home. :) We drove down to Orlando and spent the night in the All Star Resort.
The next day was Disney World! I was a little worried how my boys would do after a very late evening and early start the next day. I needn't have worried. How could anyone be in a bad mood when your day starts out like this?
The kids had a blast! They even did great waiting in the lines (which weren't as bad as I remembered). My brilliant sister had organized everything and scheduled the Fast Passes perfectly.
And can I just say that Lewis is IN LOVE with his cousin, Alexa. She was so sweet to him, and he absolutely adores her. She wrote him a letter the day he left, and he cried the entire way to our hotel that night in Fort Lauderdale. Kate was also great with Simon and was very happy to be "big sister" to him.
The next day we stopped at Gatorland, which was close to Orlando. I've never seen so many alligators in one place.
The final days were spent at my sister's house in Jupiter. The cousins spent a lot of time in the pool (although one unfortunate submersion by Simon scared him off from the pool for good) and playing "Camp Wild", organized by Alexa.
We also went to the beach in Jupiter. Simon LOVED playing in the sand, and Lewis was thrilled playing in the waves.
And this is what happens after four days of hanging out with the girls...
It was a great trip, and we can't wait to go back there again!
Since JB has limited time off, I took the boys down to visit my sister in Florida for a few days. The trip initially did not get off to a good start. My sister and nieces were at school, and my boys spent the first day in Florida....bickering and arguing non-stop. This all changed when the cousins arrived home. :) We drove down to Orlando and spent the night in the All Star Resort.
The next day was Disney World! I was a little worried how my boys would do after a very late evening and early start the next day. I needn't have worried. How could anyone be in a bad mood when your day starts out like this?
The kids had a blast! They even did great waiting in the lines (which weren't as bad as I remembered). My brilliant sister had organized everything and scheduled the Fast Passes perfectly.
And can I just say that Lewis is IN LOVE with his cousin, Alexa. She was so sweet to him, and he absolutely adores her. She wrote him a letter the day he left, and he cried the entire way to our hotel that night in Fort Lauderdale. Kate was also great with Simon and was very happy to be "big sister" to him.
The next day we stopped at Gatorland, which was close to Orlando. I've never seen so many alligators in one place.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Simple changes
One thing I feel strongly about in writing this blog is that I write about real things. Birthday parties and trips are great life events, and one of these days I'll get around to writing about them more :), but I also want to write about the realities of my daily life.
And the truth is, motherhood is hard. Really hard. One of the biggest struggles I'm having right now is being a good mother to Simon. He's become this different kid, one who is yelling at me in defiance, tormenting Lewis, and throwing tantrums around like they are candy at a parade. I went through this same phase with Lewis right before he turned 3, so the fact that Lewis has turned into a pretty happy, well-adjusted individual at 5 is a huge solace to me.
My initial reaction with Simon when he throws one of his huge fits is to react with anger and raise my voice at him. JB is usually able to stop his tantrums with a raised voice, but when I do it, it only makes Simon madder. During the last week or so, I have tried (really, really, really tried) to react with calmness instead of anger, and hold him while I explain the consequences of his actions and that he will not get his way by screaming. He still screams, but it seems like he calms down much quicker and I feel better about myself for not reacting.
The other thing I have been trying to do is pray every morning. Before I go to bed at night, I am so tired and I usually fall asleep during my prayers. JB gave a talk in Sacrament Meeting a couple of weeks ago about how we cannot become lackadaisical in our testimony. After hearing this, I realized I was really not making an effort in praying. I decided to try to pray in the morning before things get too crazy. I am not 100% every day, but I feel it has really helped me become a better individual. I feel like Heavenly Father blesses me with more patience, and I feel a closer relationship to Him.
Anyway, the kids just woke up and I need to get them off to school, so I'll end this now. :)
Thursday, April 3, 2014
A Beautiful Sight
As I was reading through my older blog posts, my eye caught site of the comparison between Lewis's and Simon's drawings a year ago. Last year at this time, Lewis could barely make a legible L. Now, this is what I see a lot of evenings:
Actually, this was taken a few weeks ago, and his handwriting has improved even more since then. He spends most of his day at school in Art, and he loves to write lists in his notebook I bought him. I am so immensely proud of him! It is amazing to see the changes your child undergoes in a year. I had pigeon-holed Lewis as an "active child" (ahem...wild child) who would never be interested in anything that required him to sit still. This is proof that your child can change and amaze you in such a short time!
The other big accomplishment is that Lewis has memorized all 50 states (except 1). Thanks to endless renditions of "Fifty Nifty United States" on car trips with my older sister Kathy with me in the back seat, that song has been burned into my memory forever. I sang it to the kids several times on the way to and from school, and Lewis picked it up. However, he can never seem to remember South Dakota for some reason. :) The kids also love listening to John Denver, and Simon likes to sing along to "Take Me Home, Country Roads". Yep, these kids are from West Virginia.
Not to leave out Simon, he continues to learn more and more words and is now stringing together rather complex sentences. He loves volcanoes, and is always asking me to make one for him. Perhaps one day I will surprise him. He also refers to tornadoes as "sacks of potatoes" and runs through the house yelling "Sack of potatoes!". His favorite shows are Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Mickey Mouse, and Thomas the Train. He adores Lewis and wants to be exactly like him. Lewis is usually patient with the endless copying, but when he gets annoyed, I just tell him that Simon copies you because he loves you so much. Simon continues to be our little lovebug, and we all like to gather right before bed for a family hug and Simon showers us all with kisses. He is really into fire engines these days and likes to dress up in his firefighter costume. Simon can count to 16 and loves to sing songs. He is still a pretty picky eater, but bribery has been on our side these days and he will eat at least a bite or two of everything on his plate. I call that progress! He's also been a bit (cough...) grumpy these days. But I'll try not to dwell on that, and instead focus on that adorable face below.
Actually, this was taken a few weeks ago, and his handwriting has improved even more since then. He spends most of his day at school in Art, and he loves to write lists in his notebook I bought him. I am so immensely proud of him! It is amazing to see the changes your child undergoes in a year. I had pigeon-holed Lewis as an "active child" (ahem...wild child) who would never be interested in anything that required him to sit still. This is proof that your child can change and amaze you in such a short time!
The other big accomplishment is that Lewis has memorized all 50 states (except 1). Thanks to endless renditions of "Fifty Nifty United States" on car trips with my older sister Kathy with me in the back seat, that song has been burned into my memory forever. I sang it to the kids several times on the way to and from school, and Lewis picked it up. However, he can never seem to remember South Dakota for some reason. :) The kids also love listening to John Denver, and Simon likes to sing along to "Take Me Home, Country Roads". Yep, these kids are from West Virginia.
Not to leave out Simon, he continues to learn more and more words and is now stringing together rather complex sentences. He loves volcanoes, and is always asking me to make one for him. Perhaps one day I will surprise him. He also refers to tornadoes as "sacks of potatoes" and runs through the house yelling "Sack of potatoes!". His favorite shows are Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Mickey Mouse, and Thomas the Train. He adores Lewis and wants to be exactly like him. Lewis is usually patient with the endless copying, but when he gets annoyed, I just tell him that Simon copies you because he loves you so much. Simon continues to be our little lovebug, and we all like to gather right before bed for a family hug and Simon showers us all with kisses. He is really into fire engines these days and likes to dress up in his firefighter costume. Simon can count to 16 and loves to sing songs. He is still a pretty picky eater, but bribery has been on our side these days and he will eat at least a bite or two of everything on his plate. I call that progress! He's also been a bit (cough...) grumpy these days. But I'll try not to dwell on that, and instead focus on that adorable face below.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Catching up
Although it has been about six months since my last update, at least I can take solace in the fact that it is less than the almost 18 months break from 2008 to 2009.
We had a really great summer this year. Really great. In fact, I think it has been the best one since pre-kids. :) Now that they are a little older, we are starting to venture out once again. In May, we headed down to Washington D.C. to get our family pictures taken by a friend of JB's that was giving a photography workshop. In June, I took the boys with me to North Carolina to visit my family. The plane rides went fine, and it was wonderful to see my mom, sisters, and nieces. At the first of August, JB and I were able to go on our FIRST overnight trip alone since Simon was born. It was amazing. We went to Georgetown and visited Dumbarton Gardens and spent the evening exploring Georgetown and eating at an amazing pizza place. I also traveled to Boston that month by myself to help with a work investigation. In September, JB and I did a day trip up to Pittsburgh and finally were able to take the incline, visit Station Square, and do some sightseeing in downtown Pittsburgh.
Lewis started Pre-School this fall, and he is doing wonderfully! I am so proud of everything he is learning, and everytime he comes home with something where he actually legibly printed something, I get little thrills...haha. :)
Simon has learned to talk, talk, and talk and he loves to tease and be silly. He loves to talk in this deep growly voice which always cracks me up. He is becoming a better eater, has decided he is too old to take a nap, and can name most of his colors and sing Old McDonald had a Farm.
Here is a view of downtown Pittsburgh. It was a beautiful day!
I can't believe how big this kid is getting!
Or this one either! He loves to work with letters and numbers these days.
We had a really great summer this year. Really great. In fact, I think it has been the best one since pre-kids. :) Now that they are a little older, we are starting to venture out once again. In May, we headed down to Washington D.C. to get our family pictures taken by a friend of JB's that was giving a photography workshop. In June, I took the boys with me to North Carolina to visit my family. The plane rides went fine, and it was wonderful to see my mom, sisters, and nieces. At the first of August, JB and I were able to go on our FIRST overnight trip alone since Simon was born. It was amazing. We went to Georgetown and visited Dumbarton Gardens and spent the evening exploring Georgetown and eating at an amazing pizza place. I also traveled to Boston that month by myself to help with a work investigation. In September, JB and I did a day trip up to Pittsburgh and finally were able to take the incline, visit Station Square, and do some sightseeing in downtown Pittsburgh.
Lewis started Pre-School this fall, and he is doing wonderfully! I am so proud of everything he is learning, and everytime he comes home with something where he actually legibly printed something, I get little thrills...haha. :)
Simon has learned to talk, talk, and talk and he loves to tease and be silly. He loves to talk in this deep growly voice which always cracks me up. He is becoming a better eater, has decided he is too old to take a nap, and can name most of his colors and sing Old McDonald had a Farm.
Here is a view of downtown Pittsburgh. It was a beautiful day!
I can't believe how big this kid is getting!
Or this one either! He loves to work with letters and numbers these days.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Religion and Freedom
It is 5:43 in the morning, and I thought Lewis had gotten out of bed to use the bathroom, so I was immediately alert. Right now, all is quiet on the upper bedroom front, but of course, when you wake up this early in the morning, it almost inevitably ends with me being unable to go back to sleep.
As I lay thinking in bed, I started pondering about what the Supreme Court is debating about marriage equality. Yeah, really light thinking for this time of the morning. :) I started to think about how I would vote if the state of West Virginia ever decided to propose a Defense of Marriage Act. Now, I can tell you that this would overwhelmingly pass since my state is very socially conservative. However, how would I decide to vote?
My church strongly believes in the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman. It is even in our Proclamation to the Family which was published in the 1990s. I believe this tenet, and I believe that God has ordained the eternal family to be composed of a man, woman, and their children. I went into my temple marriage with those beliefs.
However, I don't believe that it is my right as a US Citizen to enforce my beliefs on those around me who do not believe in the LDS faith, Jesus, or even God for that matter. I still find it unbelievable that some men and women are being fired because they are gay. Their being gay does not infringe on my religious beliefs. If we extend the rights of non-discrimination and civil marriage...or however you want to call it...to those people, how is this interfering with how I define my own personal beliefs of marriage?
I get the feeling that so many conservative Christians are afraid to embrace anyone in America who believe differently than them. You don't speak English? Learn it. You are gay? You don't get the same rights as I do. If we as Christians can learn to embrace a society that is composed of all different types of people, while still holding to the beliefs and standards we hold sacred, then I think as a nation we can finally gain a feeling of peace. It is when we try to force people into our cookie-cutter definition of what is an acceptable American that it breeds feelings of intolerance and fear.
I might be judged at the last day for believing how I do. If I am, so be it. As a church, we are instructed to vote the dictates of our heart, which I feel is to extend the same rights to all Americans. I could not vote for something that goes against the very core fiber of who I am as a person.
I will be very interested to see what the Supreme Court decides and what the resulting backlash will be.
~Sandy
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